MissMarissaLynn. xoxo

fam(ily):

My goal has always been to build a family of my own that is full of love, peace and happiness. For my family to cherish one another more than anyone else on this earth and for them to really genuinely love each other.

Growing up, I haven’t really had the opportunity to see a family like that. Don’t get me wrong. My immediate family, is the best family I could ever ask for. My parents and brothers continue to show me the meaning of unconditional love, and it only gets stronger as each year passes.

but sadly enough, I can’t say that about each one of my family members.

Besides my grandpa kit( who passed away 5 years ago), my great aunt betty (who lives back in forth between arizona and africa),  and my grandma susan (lives in spokane), I can’t seem to name any other family members who really matter anymore.

I envy everyone who has cousins they get to play with, uncles and aunts they look up to, grandparents that spoil them. I envy everyone who has a family bigger than 8 people, especially if your immediate family counts for 5 of them.

Growing up, I saw potential in a family, in my family, to grow and to love one another unconditionally. But that potential has come crashing down.I understood that it was a possibility that my only family would remain my immediate family but I always hoped that love would be strong enough to hold my entire family together. Funny thing is, the only thing or person I should say that held my family together was my grandfather. My grandpa kit. He is the only person I have ever known to love each and every person unconditionally. He always had more than enough love to give.

My world came crashing down after he passed away though. Like I mentioned, reality hit me smack dab in the face. Without him, my entire family who supposedly “loved” my parents, my brothers and I unconditionally abandoned us. Losing my grandpa meant losing my cousins, my aunt, and most heartbreakingly, my uncle. 

Not only did I mourn for my grandfather but I had to mourn for 5 other losses as well. 

My uncle married a woman who changed my life for the worse. I am sorry that you are from england and you are the only  child and your family was perfect. I am sorry that my family is”dysfunctional”, that my parents divorced, and that my grandma is mentally ill. I am sorry that my family isn’t good enough for yours. I am sorry that you have to live with yourself, knowing that you tore apart a family that once had so much love for one another. If it wasn’t for you, I’d have an uncle to look up to, and cousins to play with. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t believe that fami(lies) are just full of lies.

Fam(ily), the words I love you, didn’t mean as much to me after that. I thought family was more than just the immediate members. but it wasn’t, and still isn’t.

Fami(lies), the word lies, that began to mean more to me. At least when I thought of the rest of my “family”, the families out side of my immediate. All lies, they didn’t love me, or my parents, or my siblings. They lied.

Obviously, I’m pretty bitter. I’ve tried to change that though.

For many years I didn’t understand the reasons why fami(lies) could disown eachother. But now I get it, even though there is no justification, I get it.

In the past year, I wanted to change this bitterness, I wanted to show all the fami(lies) in my life that we were one big fam(ily) and we could make things work.

While I was at college this last year, I called my uncle, aunt, and cousins. I wanted to make things right, I wanted to have a fam(ily), I wanted a relationship with these people. But there was no such luck, after spending hours on the phone with my uncle and aunt, nothing had changed. It was still all lies.

They told me that they wished things didn’t have to be this way, that the reason why they have nothing to do with my fam(ily) had nothing to do with me, that it wasn’t my fault. They pretended to care about my life, and ask me questions and told me that my cousins would call to talk to me later. Well, they never did. None of them ever called me again, they didn’t care about me, it obviously is my fault, they do want it this way.

I put myself out there on the line, to fix the wrong, to make things right, to bring together our fami(lies), throw away the lies, and create 1 big fam(ily) again.

but once again, my world came crashing down.

To this day, I do not understand and I probably never will. My love is unconditional for my family, for the families in my life. and why I deserve to not have the same in return? who knows.

I can tell you this though, one day I plan to be just like my grandfather and more. I want to be the person who always has room to love more, the person who’s strength holds together the greatest love of all time. But I also want to be the person who influences others to love unconditionally, even when I’m not there. So when I pass, instead of things falling apart, more love will grow together. 

there can never be enough love in this world, there is always room for more.

For the longest time reality was invisible, I lived in a fantasy world where nothing could come tumbling down. Reality, what in the world is reality? When I look among my peers, family, co-workers, and close friends I often wonder if anyone has a grip of reality, or is it something that is always overlooked? 

“Let’s be realistic here people.” I find myself saying that far too often now. About 4 years ago, I learned my lesson about reality. Reality hit me smack dab in the face, the day I got that phone call. The day my family cuddled on the floor, holding each other, and wiping away the tears. Reality, it was the feeling I got, it was my heart stopping in that near second, it was hearing that my grandfather passed away. 

Reality, its in my thoughts, my dreams, my prayers, my everyday life. Reality consumes me. 

Imagination, its no where to be found.

Imagination, I miss it. I miss shooting for the stars and living a life that wasn’t so real. 

I can’t blame my grandfather for the vanishment of my imagination, and I never would. He was the greatest man I’ve ever known, and ever will. 

But now here I am stuck, always trying to make sense of everyone’s nonsense, of everyone else’s imagination. Sometimes, I catch myself looking down upon those who have no idea what reality is, and wondering what is wrong with them. I wonder why they have no common sense or logic.

And thats not who I want to be. Granted, I know my loved ones appreciate a reality check from me every once in a while but still. Being the bigger person, the logical person, the mature one, the realistic one, at the end of the day it can be so overwhelming. Then I look into the lives of others, who aren’t so realistic and they seem so carefree. I want to be carefree.

Reality haunts me, screws with me sometimes. I’m not as spontaneous, I don’t dream, I don’t imagine anything, not anymore. 

I’m too young for reality.